Goodbye…. :(

Well…, as if things couldn’t get worse for me this summer, they have. I have now lost contact with Laurie Alphonse completely. I am not allowed to email her, see her, talk to her, or call her. I am hurting so much right now, and yet, I’m a failure to her. What is the point of me trying anymore if I just keep fucking up? I can’t do anything right anymore, and it seems like I have never been able to to do anything right. I thought that I had a chance and that I could have a fresh start with Laurie, but it seems like I was wrong. I can’t stop crying. Why am I this way? What is so wrong that she can’t talk to me and come up with solutions instead of cutting me off? Is this punishment for good, or is this a short term punishment? Does she really care about me, or is she just saying that to put my mind at ease? Why did she want to help me in the first place? What does she even see in me? Why couldn’t I just do what the hell she asked me to do? What is wrong with my brain? What the fuck is wrong with me? Instead of me being my true self, I have hidden all of it because of the way people treated me. Nothing has changed. Instead, I am a burden to everyone I know and meet. Why did Laurie ‘adopt’ me and help me so much at first?

I know that everything is my fault, and that Laurie wasn’t happy with me, yet, on Tuesday, when Laurie came with Frank to see me, she told me that she does care about me. She also told me that I have a long way to go. All I want is for me to be back in her good books. I don’t know if I should even be around in life anymore. I know that there are people who really do care about me, including Laurie, but it feels like I can’t take all the pain and suffering that I have gone through in the past and today. My future looks so bleak…, with very little hope left. My spirits are so low, that looking over Frank’s balcony looks like a very small jump to the ground. All I keep thinking is that if I just harm myself in some way, people would be rid of me, and they wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone, and I would make everyone else in my life happy. If I just break my legs, or something else, then I wouldn’t need to see people anymore. Maybe then, people would realize that I am a very sensitive person and that I am fairly delicate, but something stops me each time. I don’t know what it is anymore, but something has stopped me each time. However, I am not sure that this is enough for me not to attempt suicide this time. I have been through hell and back, and my depression is just getting worse. I can hardly think of anything positive anymore. The hurt is too deep, and the pain is too much. I can’t take not knowing if I am doing something right or wrong anymore, and I can’t take being on such a tight leash anymore either. I feel like giving up, that there is no hope for me, and that I am just a hopeless case.

I am ever so sorry for everything Laurie, and to everyone, I am so sorry for the pain, misery and frustrations that I have given you. You won’t need to worry about me anymore. I hope you can all find it in your hearts to forgive me one day, but for now, I can’t take the pain anymore, and I’ll never be able to be like any of you. This is the last post for a while now…. Goodbye…. 😥

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Moving for a Second Time

As I sit beside Frank and watching the baseball game between the Toronto Blue Jay’s and the New York Yankees, I can’t seem to feel relaxed. My nerves are all over the place, and I am hardly eating and I am not sleeping well at night. Why you ask? Let me explain the situation that I am currently in.

On Thursday afternoon, Frank and I met with the Rent Supplement Office, and I found out that I have to leave his place by the end of the month. I couldn’t get rid of the sinking heart feeling,  and the tears wouldn’t stop streaming down my face. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. After the meeting was done, Frank and I went to the campus and we hardly spoke for a bit. I felt like I was being abandoned.

Even though I know and understand why I can’t stay here with Frank and I don’t hold anything against him or the Rent Supplement Office, I am still in shock. I was only given two weeks to move out.  I hardly ate yesterday, and I haven’t been sleeping well. I’ve been falling asleep at around 3 or 4 am. I am really scared, and even though our friend Laurie has been communicating with me for two days, my anxiety is still very high.

I guess I have to start packing up this week so that I can be ready to leave this place. I never thought that I’d be facing homelessness. Everything scares me, yet, for some reason, I am more scared…, petrified really to be so uncertain about my living experiences, and with school starting soon, I am not even sure if I’ll be able to come back this year. I can only hope that things will get better for me soon. 😦

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Feeling Afraid

Yesterday I got some pretty bad news about my housing situation. I can no longer line with Frank because he would be at risk of loosing the care that he needs and because he could end up being homeless. I understand this, and I have nothing against him or the Rent Geared to income office. I just never though that I would only have two weeks left and to go to a shelter. When I emailed Laurie the news yesterday, and I was very afraid of being on the street. I am being more open with her and Frank, yet I still feel so afraid of the fact that school is starting soon, and being on the street or in a shelter scares the shit out of me. I’m not sure how to react to this, but I have to take it one step at a time. That’s the only thing that I can do for now. Hopefully, Laurie will meet with me and help me with this.

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Good News of the week #2

Over the past two days, I have had both bad News and good news. The first piece of news that I got was that I got a burden to help me to pay my fees for the Spring term at Algonquin. The second thing that made my day today was that this is the second week in a row that Laurie has responded to my email! I am starting to feel that I am finally on the right track on getting back into her good books. Even though I have a lot of work to do still with Laurie, I am finally starting to feel that I am on the right track, and finally too!

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Homeless in two weeks..

Since I moved out of my parent’s house, I have been living with my friend Frank for almost two months. I thought that things were going well, however today I learned that there were already complaints about my living with Frank. They complained about the fact that there were things on the counter, and the the dishes not being washed in the sink. Although I can understand about the dishes needing to be done before the staff came to do the cooking and/or the cleaning, but I can’t understand the reason for the counter. I understand that they need the counter space to work, however, if there are food items or drinks on the counter, it’s because there is no room for them to be on the floor. My moods have also been all over the place, and my anxiety and frustration levels have been higher than normal to the point where I was throwing my ipad down on the floor last week because of my frustration. As if things couldn’t get worse, last week Laurie and I bumped into each other, and I ran after her to catch up to her to see if I could talk to her. I got a shake of her head. I knew then that I was not allowed to speak to her until things change in our relationship. Then today…, I get even more bad news… I can no longer stay with Frank until I have my own apartment. I am now going to be homeless in two weeks and four days. I am heartbroken and I do not know what to do. Not only do I have anywhere to go, I can’t go back home, and school is starting back up in September. I am truly grateful to Frank for housing me while he could, and even though I had a great time, I do not want him to lose his apartment and his services with VHA.

I feel even more isolated now more than ever. My friends aren’t able to help me, and I have no one else to ask for assistance. I am now looking for shelters for the time being. I am now looking to go into some shelters. I hope that I can get the help that I need, and soon.

My brother just called to see what is going on, and I really don’t feel like talking to him about my situation right now. I do not feel like I can trust my brother, and I feel like he is trying to get to my ODSP money again. I am not giving him a penny of my money, and he has to pay me back all of the money that he has “borrowed” from me since last summer.

I hope that things turn around for the better soon.

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Can my Pain Go away?

So far, my night isn’t going so well. The hurt that I am feeling is stronger than usual. Nothing seems to be going right for me right now. I feel like giving up with everything and with everyone that I know. I don’t feel like meeting new people anymore. What’s the point if you’re just going to get hurt over and over again? I can’t seem to do anything right anyways, so why should I put any more effort into what I do? My laptop has crashed twice on me in less than 15 minutes, so I’ll end up having to somehow get a new laptop for school. What’s the point if things that I have don’t work like they’re supposed to? Is this pain ever going to end? Am I a hopeless case? Should I be in a mental institution because I am not “normal”? Or am I just a fuck up beyond repair?

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Good News! :D

This morning I woke up and ended up having a pretty good day overall. I took my time waking up, and decided to watch some Jeff Dunham shows on Youtube. I then did some cleaning and made myself some scrambled eggs for a little snack before I dove into my homework for my assignment from last week. It took 4 hours to do my assignment, and I was very happy to have it finally completed and handed in!

After my assignment from last week was completed and handed in, I decided to call the Housing Registry to see if my application was active yet or not. The man on the phone looked up my name and informed me that my application was put into the system this morning at 10 am! I have an appointment next week at 11 am, and I should be able to have an apartment of my own for the very first time! I can hardly wait to become independent and show Laurie that I finally accepted her help and that I can stand on my own two feet! 😀

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Welcome to Elena’s Blog Site

Hi everyone,

Welcome to my very first blog! Feel free to reply, but I do ask for kind responses only. Thank you.

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